July 4th - 3:16pm

rambling in hopes to let my heart breathe

when the week of the 4th comes along, my mind and body panic. perhaps it’s the memories of both the loss of the sad person i used to be and the eventful moment when i realized i needed to let that same person die to move on completely. maybe the alarm i’m feeling is remembering and letting go the person i used to be, especially the person who revived my heartbreak for the final time. sometimes i worry whenever i talk about anything revolving around a certain person or breakup, it might seem like no moving on has happened but… moving on is not instant. it’s not a failure to mourn while i grow. the memory of me becoming angry then sad because they were able to move on made me feel like i was stuck. but, i need to nudge myself that how i felt in that moment was completely normal. whenever i get sad over things that’s normal and should not have a storm of anger over that. it also does not mean to dwell on things. the death of the old me and finally letting things pass and happen was something so meaningful yet traumatizing.

while my “rebirth” was happening, most of it was unlearning and relearning everything once again as… well, as if it was my first time in this world. it was also the start of my eating disorder and alcohol addiction recovery, within that i discovered love for myself and life for the first time. putting myself first finally, liking who i was inside and out, and finally caring for my well-being.. saved my life. going back to my roots and watering them with no shame saved my life. i truly do feel like 17 and down was a past life, one i’m aware of and appreciate but also, one that is not being lived anymore. i’m happy about that - i like living now.